‘It’s a new year’ some may scoff. What’s so great about another year of being alone? I’ll never find someone to love. Who cares?
Who cares about ME? I can’t even find a matching sock let alone a life mate. I’m doomed to live my life as an island of solitude. It’s not in the cards for me. My ship came in when I was on the train. It must be bad karma from my previous life,… yeah that’s it,… bad karma.
Are you giggling yet?! I know it all sounds silly but we can be pretty cruel on our loving selves when it seems the world has passed us by. In a moment of silence and self-doubt, the words that swim in our head can be crippling and paralyze us from receiving the blessings meant to take their place.
I’ve spent many a night (and year) doubting my place in the world of romantic love. Like many other great people, I doubted that love would ever find it’s way to my doorstep. After all, each new day spent alone seemed to prove it. ‘I’ll never find love’ I thought. Never will a man notice my greater self that is worthy of being loved. I’m doomed…. oh wait a minute…. he’s handsome…. is he looking at me?…. he’s smiling… he hasn’t looked away yet… he’s walking over to me…. oh my…. maybe I was wrong…
Hi There…. what’s that?…. Oh yes, it’s really nice to meet you too!
Finally one day I met the one that changed my life. Each day of discovery with him melted away the many years of tormenting myself about my perceived “unlovableness”! The pain dissipated. The doubt trickled down to my feet and was washed away in a puddle of spring rain. The ugly duckling that so many mornings had faced me in the mirror became a beautiful woman who felt loved and lovable. Hard to believe that in the flash of a moment, the frame of mind I had accepted as my doom was changed to a world of endless possibilities with another soul.
I’m embarrassed to remember the days that I had shaken my fist up to the heavens as if my heart had been forgotten. In retrospect, I wish I had been more patient. I wish I had believed in my fate just a little more and waited graciously for the man that would make me smile so many smiles.
But there are times when I recall the gift of eternal optimism that seemed to penetrate my despair. Ah yes, I remember now. I wasn’t quite l’enfant chagrin that I’ve led you to believe. There were days when I bounced out of bed with hope and anticipation. Perhaps today I would tell myself. Perhaps today I will meet the man that I’m intended to meet. Maybe he will cross my path in the shopping mall. Per chance he will walk into my office or sit next to me in the dentist’s waiting room. Perhaps today he will find me and I will find him.
And those days were grand as I recall them now. Each step I took had a bounce to it. In the mall I smiled at handsome men and invited conversation with pleasant strangers. Once my cheer had been unveiled, it seemed impossible to stop. My smile and ease of conversation spilled out onto all I met… men, women, children and the elderly. They all smiled back at me! The day seemed to grow brighter with each smile that I captured. At the end of the day, my weary head resting gently on my pillow, I had little to grieve about. I had shared myself with the world and the world shared itself with me. I was pleased!
Finally, years into my struggle for coupling, he walked into my life. It was a happy day even before I saw him. I had been wearing a smile for hours. My witted skill of conversation had been well oiled with many a stranger and the words fell comfortably between us as if we’d known one another for a lifetime.
He liked my smile. I wonder if it had anything to do with our future together?
~ Verna Lane