What Men Secretly Want

Spicy advice for ladies to affair-proof their relationship.

Photo by Adina Voicu on Pixabay

There are two basic things that men secretly want. Everything they pursue — and all the problems they create — can be boiled down to these two things:

(one) they want to be in control of their lives

(two) they want to lose control in the bedroom

For centuries, many a woman has surreptitiously found ways to exploit this desire in men by asking for what she wants while in the bedroom. Haven’t you heard the stories in secret women’s circles that so-and-so is getting ready for a night of passion with her man because she wants a new dishwasher (insert any other appliance or luxury here)?

Sometimes it’s the man who jokes about getting special favors from his lady because it’s his birthday. Naturally, men wish this kind of high action could be indulged more often.

I’m not revealing any big secrets with that insight. But what if it could happen more often with less effort on the woman’s behalf?

Wouldn’t that have a positive and lasting effect on the quality of their relationship? Certainly, the answer is a resounding YES!

What most women don’t realize is that if she would take control and focus primarily on her own pleasure, then her partner would naturally benefit while she does. Plus, she would be motivated to engage with him more often.

Men secretly want to lose control to a woman who is really really enjoying herself.

The sex industry is a multi-billion dollar money machine for that very reason. Men end up using those services because (they think) they want to be in control of something in their lives. But ironically, they end up paying for an experience that is almost always under the control of a woman. Secretly, what the man REALLY wants is to be excited, to get his heart racing. And he can only truly get excited by the uncertainty of what comes next — the unknowing of what this woman is about to do next. Essentially, giving her the remote control for his arousal.

Nitty Gritty

The type of experience may vary, but it all boils down to those basic elements. Loss of control, uncertainty, her arousal excites him because it makes him feel desired. If she’s aroused, then he can’t be sure of what she might do next.

The experience may be weird. Or it may even be fully clothed. It may be all about her pleasure, or his humiliation. After all, men are strange creatures who do get aroused by an odd assortment of scenarios. They hardly ever get objectified in real life so they rather enjoy that during sexual play. Ogle him. Play with him. Be rough with him. Above all, be unexpected. A woman can even make a sex game out of telling him to sweep the floor if that’s what turns her on… as long as she requests it with a sexual conviction that lets him know this will turn into something hottt… and she won’t take no for an answer. Her certainty of directive causes uncertainty for him. And that is the ingredient to fuel his passion.

It will take confidence on the woman’s part, because men tend to act like they want to be in control (it’s habitual for them). She will have to ignore those signals and discover a firm style that is uniquely her own. She needs to experiment until the right blend is developed — to manage him without offending him.

Women tend to try controlling men with their vocal instructions. He calls it nagging — she calls it reminding. Why don’t you try a different approach in the bedroom?

Try using your body and physical maneuvering to direct his movements. This is what a skilled call girl would do. If you do use vocals, change your voice dramatically from the daytime version. Remember, it’s the unknowing of what’s going on that he’s seeking. If he can’t figure out what your angle is, that will excite him. So keep your approach fresh, mysterious, and change it up on a regular basis. You may feel weird about it at first but do it anyway.


If you must, find inspiration for your new role. Think of yourself as a vixen, a tigress with her tiger, a cougar with her boy toy, a sex-crazed teenager with her boyfriend. Remember how hot it was just making out on the couch in the basement — when you couldn’t go all the way? There’s no rule that says you can’t still tease the f*ck out of him now — and delay his gratification until later — whenever you choose. Whatever works to take you out of your head, go with it.

The Thrill of Pursuit

Men are pre-programmed to chase. Much like a dog is programmed to salivate when the dinner bell rings — a cat cannot help but swat the string — and a woman’s pupils dilate when she sees a SALE sign. Chasing is a part of his DNA.

The reason men often cheat is not because the wife reduces their frequency for sex. It’s because she shuts down the chase and he needs to chase in order to feel alive. Women generally enjoy being chased during courtship, but within the marriage, it can cause her to feel harassed. This can happen if she begins to equate “flirting” with mandatory “going all the way”.

So, take that feeling of obligation out of the equation. You decide when it leads to more. Let him chase you and squeeze your bum during dishes. That’s his chase, and he needs it. Let that be just about pursuit, and nothing more. You don’t owe him closure for every time he gets a stiffy. Be firm about it in your best vixen voice. Be in control of the sex remote. He will get it when you decide, and not sooner.

This isn’t so much about his arousal as it it for yours. Taking back the control you once had (during the dating phase) will help to re-awaken your desire if it has waned over time.

If he gives you instructions during “play time” — ignore them. Keep doing what most turns you on. Be selfish. Let him see that you are aroused by what’s taking place. He will let go of the director’s role if he sees that you are already deliciously engaged.

It’s important to never allow your man full control in the bedroom. Men go too far and it ends up turning women off, or turning into a free-for-all that actually does include sex workers or strangers. If you’ve tried to search for online porn in the past decade, it’s plain to see how far men stray from real sex when they’re given the remote control. Online porn is no longer about sex at all. It’s just a gross cascade of shocking their systems with violence and bizarre nonsense. If you want a healthy sex life with a man, trust that he will thrive under your control. Women have higher quality ideas that tend to work wonders for both genders.

Photo by Adam Kontor on Pexels

The woman must direct their fantasies too. It is in her best interest to learn how to spin a sexy tale to share with him. If the fantasies include unrealistic events (that are best to stay in fantasy, not real life) then she should frame the fantasy with a disclaimer.

As the fantasy begins, she slips in a little statement about how ‘this would never be as good in real life because the consequences would offset the thrill — but let’s get off on the fantasy anyway’. Later, after the sexual act is complete and he is satisfied, she should say it again; ‘how exciting that was but it would never translate the same in real life’. This is programming him so that he understands not to pursue this on his own. Especially pertinent for workplace scenarios. That’s where he spends most of his time. And when some sexy colleague catches his attention, you’ll be glad to have that disclaimer repeating in his head.

Men have a tendency to believe that if the fantasy is good, then real life must be even better. But truly, chasing fantasies in real life can ruin your relationship, your family and ultimately all that he knows to be good in his life. Everything goes downhill in his life once he — or either of you for that matter — crosses that line.

Ultimately what men want is to be safe and loved, to be proud and know that someone adores him. When he walks in the room, make eye contact and show him that you like him. Just doing that little gesture on a regular basis is “everything”.

He wants to be appreciated. He wants to be surprised. Remember that he wants to feel like he’s in control of something, especially if his work makes him feel out of control. So when you take the reins of your sex life, why don’t you give him a bit more free rein in real life? No worries. Once you give him this new thrill in the bedroom, he won’t stray too far from home.

Photos by zelle duda on Unsplash and various on 123RF

P.S. If you’ve lost respect for your partner, then it can be darn near impossible to desire them. If you have conflicts in your relationship, then those need to be resolved in order for sex to flow again. Both partners must actively resolve the conflict, irrespective of who’s fault it was in the first place. If there are thorns in your garden and you’ve tried everything to resolve it, then seek professional counseling. It’s a necessary first step to finding your way back to passion.

FYI this insight comes from my eight years as a matchmaker — hearing in private interviews how men describe what they’re seeking in their next relationship, after the collapse of their first marriage.

The advice to women on how to take control in the bedroom is from personal interviews with thousands of women — on how they feel vulnerable to men’s urges. But also from my own personal experience after a lifetime of feeling “out of control” to the whims of men while in hunter-mode. Sexuality should be about pleasure for both sides. This article is my conclusion on how both parties can get what they need!

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